Surviving a heartbreak

So, I sit in front of my balcony. Feeling the air right now, here, while I am writing this down. Thrice when I was standing at the window, thrice I closed the window but opened it thrice too. I thought I could just make myself sit in the dark room where I feel depressed, where I could only find myself crying, screaming, sobbing, self harming, and just thinking. But when I chose to open the window and stand near it and feel the wind and let the rain drops touch me for one more time, I knew, I knew that I could give anybody another chance, I could give everybody another chance, including the guys, the friends, the family and myself and love and life another chance. Another chance all over again, and I know that I might end up the same way, depressed and choked and drained tomorrow too, and maybe day after that but I also know that I will heal, I am healing. I AM HEALING. I don’t know how I feel but I am letting this wind touch me, the raindrops kiss my lips and the earth touch my soul. All over again. I am thankful to god, the universe (don’t know about god but whoever that’s up there looking after me, mom who is beside me looking after me and everybody else who has ever loved me, thank you, you guys. Today, when I woke up I could barely breathe and I felt used and I felt like a side-lined option. I still feel it. I know, it still chokes me up, not only this recent one but all the heartbreaks that I have been through, thinking about each one of them, it still breaks my heart each time but I think this is how you know, your soul is alive and out there to feel love but more than that, it is out there to love people. Each one of them in a different way, never comparing, just there to love people, just there to stay. I do not know if they deserve it or they don’t, I can’t say but something in me would always encourage and inspire to love people, nature, raindrops, the beauty of it all comes from the simple touch of it, nature, earth, person, universe. I can’t say if it will be physical or no, but I know this for sure, you would be able to feel it, You would be able to feel their touch with all your heart. Today and Always.

And you’d be surprised to know, honestly, you would be surprised to know how anybody and everybody (including the universe) could just make you feel the touch without even pinpointing at you let alone physically touch you.

HAPPY LOVING. HAPPY FEELING ALIVE. It feels great. I wouldn’t say I feel great but I am healing.

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Changing attributes as per the roles you play in life

The title may look pathetically boring and huge to you all but there’s always hope and there’s hope and demand for the person who grows up to be mature enough to understand the statement.
Often we fight with our parents for night stays and night outs but we pull ourselves when we have to fight our friends for taking us out when we are ill. There are times we expect discipline from people and there are times when other people expect the same and we don’t obey and revert how they want us to.
And to be street smart, to grow and mature we have to find the appropriate places for the appropriate acts that we do, rather we have do appropriate acts at appropriate places.
Humans are dynamic and all of our roles that we play in our lives are dynamic and ever changing. With different people we have to be different and even with our kids we stand to be different at different times.
“But you said I could go on a night out after she has stayed at our place for a night..” that’s the reaction and flow of thought that goes on the person’s mind on the other side of the table when we can’t adjust and change our attributes as per our role. Anger, hatred, dislikeliness, detachment and distance grows towards people when those people are unable to adjust and maintain the attributes of the roles they play in their respective lives.
It is often noticed that this kind of situation grows and exists between teenagers and their restrictive parents. Sometimes the child is unable to figure out of how he is supposed to respond and parents on the other hand, amalgam their professional life attributes with their personal life attributes and generally forget to put off with their office post mask.
But the need and demand remains and grows with increase in the inability to properly defining and maintaining the roles that a person plays in life.
And after it’s done maybe the person realises their mistake, like “I should’ve let my child go on a night out” when you realise the child has skipped from house, but then again, you could have stopped that from happening and you could have done this and that.
It’s never too late and here’s a little hope, we all can define the roles and the attributes of our personality needed for those roles and should push ourselves to be  aware enough to switch between the roles at the appropriate times.

A Day of Realizations

There are days when you realise a little too much, a lot more than the usual and most unusual stuff.
On a train journey from kurla to dadar while travelling to lala lajpat rai, this girl started to realise, a lot of stuff she knew about but she had never experienced before. But that day, that day was  different, she realised and experienced a lot of stuff.

You never know how people are, you think you know them, but really, you don’t even know yourself. You don’t know what they’ve gone through, some have seen their parents getting divorced, some have experienced being the child of a single parent and some have been molested in childhood. So, don’t compare anybody’s life with anybody.

She realised that day that keeping everybody happy isn’t possible and sometimes, the choice you have to make is between your happiness and others and a lot of times, you choose yourself and also, many a times you choose others. In these situations, you often forget that whoever you choose, somebody will be left out, always.

She also realised that not a lot of things matter, only a few things matter, and the things that really matter may give you a hard time. Very few people matter and the people who don’t, can never hurt you. Only the things which matter and only the people who matter have the remote of your life. They can hit the jolly button, they can make you sad.

That day had a lot more for her, the day taught her that people can do a lot of stuff to show you that you’re the inferior one, that you don’t stand anywhere but its you, who knows, who stands upright and who’ll be guilty.

And the world really started to teach her much, Bombay started to teach her all of this. ❤

The Dear Departed

This article doesn’t consist of characters, you’d just go on about with experiences of as the title suggests,”The dear departed”

It’s said that between the age of 12-22, you meet a lot of temporary people, people who wouldn’t actually be there for you and this is true but they forget to mention that you meet a lot of permanent people as well, people who’d stay with you, no matter what.
So you know, school, high school/junior college and college and marriage.. Between all of these, people come and people go and some, they stay.

Entering as a cadet in NDA, people waving goodbye to his course mates, his parents were there too and there was this girl some 1300kms away who had nobody, but this guy on her mind, he had nobody but this girl on his mind.. They were mentally near by physically far… Tear drops on her books as she held those and his on his bag which he’s picking and entering the 1 seater bedroom.. It all looks the same to him, the same as it was in the 1st term but still, it looked a bit  different to him. He settles down to sleep as it is late already and tomorrow, he, staying in the academy has to be awake by 4 but still something’s on his mind and he gets up, unpacks the bag and in the corner most zip of his bag, he finds it, a chain, a pendant, his and her photo on the right side of the heart shaped pendant, stares at it, lies on the bed, keeps it under the pillow and sleeps. The girl, at her home presently, does the same but cannot sleep, she hopes for him, she hopes to see him after 5months; 22 weeks; 154 days, her countdown begins not for new year but the countdown for the time he’ll come back home.

Morning Rhythm

Have you ever seen a sunrise? Oh, you’re not a morning person !! Well, sunset?
Have you seen that?

Here’s a little description to what it really feels like, because it’s been ages people have taken out some 10-15 minutes for themselves, haven’t had that “me-time” in a long time, have you?

So, here you are, walking towards the garden of your society but before that, as you close the door behind you, you just look at the sky, orange, pink, blue and white all at the same time and you realise, you really needed this. You see the tree and in between there are clouds, which look totally unreal. Something that you think you only see in pictures, well, that’s right in front of you.

You hear the chirping of birds, and are reminded of the little kids in your house, they form the morning rhythms. That amazing feeling is in you, just take out the time, the time for self, be selfish in this matter.

Look at the unreal yet luring scenario, see the old man who lives next door, read a newspaper. A gang of young friends going on a trip to lonavala. Evaluate the stillness, enjoy the changes in the sky.

See the aeroplane above you and think of the people in that, some going away from home while some going home and that is how you’ll experience everything that they are in a matter of few thoughts.

Watch the watchman snoring on the chair as he has got no bed, he has got no sleep, earning for the little family that he has. Some people doing yoga, some people watering their plants, some have their dogs with them, some washing their cars and some, like you, just observing, noticing and engaged in the morning rhythm just like that.

Always Wanted

“This is what you’ve always wanted.

  And I..

  I am really sorry.”

This all started with the kitchen, she was standing, preparing dinner for him, when he wasn’t even there yet, the clock showed 9.The smell is of Corn Rings, because he loves that. “The good news will be here soon”, she thought. The doorbell rang, she, the 24 year old, fair in complexion, with long earrings worn, steps towards the door. As she opens the gate, the love of her life is there, the one she truly belongs to, the one who truly belongs to her. Also 24 years old, this young life is 5’8″ tall, thin with a wheat-ish complexion stands in a light pink shirt, black tie and black pants. Before she knows, her hand is in his and their lips meet. His smell lures her and hers does the same to him.

10 minutes later..

The stove has the unmade dishes over it, the hassle in the house, the landline rings continuously. Outside the door, the lady is trying to get in the car. The man consoling her to keep up her breadth and the driver closing the doors and settling on the driver seat. Behind them, another car follows, White Bolero, her in-laws and his in-laws together again.

After a 19 minutes drive later, the car and hospital doors open simultaneously. The stretcher stands as the lady tries to get down from the car. The lady on the stretcher and the people around her. Nurse in blue pushes the blue Pull Sign on the Maternity Ward.

Half an hour  later..

The people from the Bolero wait outside as the Man and Wife are on the other side of the Maternity Ward. While everybody is discussing if it will be a baby boy or a baby girl, the Lady inside is lying fighting with death to survive, suffocated as she can’t breathe and tears rolling down her cheeks. The man consoling but dying with her as they hear the female nurse tell them, that he didn’t cry. He was a baby boy, a beautiful baby boy, with nose like his mother’s and eyes like his father’s, he did not cry, he did not survive and it breaks them.

“This is what you’ve always wanted.

  And I..

  I am really sorry”, she says.

“Don’t, You are what I have always wanted,

  I am sorry, You are my love and with our love, we can never fail.” he replied.

 He had won her heart again.

Accepting Self

Honestly, there have been a lot of times when I’ve felt so guilty that I’ve cried, I’ve broke down and I can’t even talk to people about it because the thing is such that you think you can’t tell them but realising that you can’t change it and accepting the fact that you have did it and work over improving yourself is what makes a human, human. And also, there are times when you start to hate yourself about how you have and what feelings you have for people, but this too, my friend, is something you can’t control, you can’t control if you go on looks, you can’t control if you’re a racist and only like people who have fair complexion, you can’t control it. So it’s okay. The main point on which one should actually think over is how to accept self, and that is, very important to anybody. If only you accept yourself, people will accept you and this is how always the cycle works, The cycle of people. In a crowd of 100 people, 30 people are guilty, sad because they don’t think there are enough so it’s okay, if you really realise and accept yourself. Accept yourself but also improvise if you can.
And and, as a friend just mentioned, if until and unless you don’t think good about yourself, feel good about yourself, people can’t help you out in anyway.  And if nobody’s appreciating you, appreciate yourself.